Creatures Like Us
by blairbitchproject
Summary: Holtzbert angst and smut; Things get a bit close for comfort for Erin with the spontaneous engineer but she soon regrets distancing herself from Holtzmann. Unfortunately these regrets may have come too late for her. (5 chapters. Rated M for language and for very mature sexual content later on. I don't own Ghostbusters/associates of) Ghost Bust a Nut Kiddos
1. chapter 1

The silence was slightly stifling. Me and Abby Yates were clustered around a small blueprint, bent double, desperately trying to identify the problem. I was responsible for the design we were crowded around, but the prototype for the weapon was far from safe to use, and neither of us could figure out why it wasn't working. Abby sighed dejectedly, shaking her head and raising her hands in submission- she couldn't see any solution for this one.

Long after Patty had left to go get dinner for herself, Abby and I had been left trying to solve the problem in total silence. My eyes darted over the blueprint, scanning it for potential errors, and I could feel my fellow Ghostbusters' eyes on me, waiting for me to find the issue. But I had nothing. I groaned and put my head in my hands, my knees close to giving way with the dull ache of exhaustion, and my head heavy with fatigue. It was only a matter of time before Abby had to leave and that left me alone trying to solve the issues with my blueprint.

Thirty minutes later the excruciating silence was broken by Abby resignedly raising her head to face me.

"Look, Erin" she mumbled, her voice hoarse. I raised my head as well and gave her a reassuring grin

"Hey it's fine Abby I get you need to go" I replied "It's real late".

Abby nodded in agreement and stood upright, stretching.

"Thanks for understanding" she muttered, and glanced once more down at the blueprint before glancing back at me.

"We can pick this up tomorrow" she offered. "Perhaps you should go home as well and get some rest?". I nodded half heartedly, having no intention of going home with this unfinished. I imagined that Abby probably knew this already, but she pulled on her coat regardless, wrapping her grey scarf around her neck before turning back to me one last time.

"Check that Holtzmann's left before you lock up; that girl'll be in her lab all night unless somebody evicts her. Oh! And have a good evening." She smiled, and waved, turning on her heel and making her way out of the room.

"You too!" I called, and once she was out of earshot sighed, sank to the floor in exhaustion.

So Holtz is still here, huh? I thought to myself, brow furrowed. I always thought she left earlier. I stretched my arms out, reaching for my knees and a small smile crept onto my lips. If she couldn't help with the blueprint then nobody else could, and besides, any opportunity to see the quirky engineer was gratefully accepted. I pressed a hand to my eyes for a final time before using the high desk to pull myself up. I chewed on my lip, trying to work out what I'd say to Holtzmann when I arrived but drew a blank and instead ran a hand through my hair and scooped up the blueprint, kicking the door open with my foot and heading to the engineering lab.

Now I wasn't ready to admit that I fancied Jillian Holtzmann, but I definitely felt something for her other than friendship.

Maybe it's super friendship? I'd try to reason, reminding myself that I was in fact definitely straight and 100% into guys. I was confused, put it that way. Part of me felt that perhaps I was just getting a little too lonely, or that maybe this was some kinda hormone induced phase, or maybe even just misconstrued friendship (Yeah Erin, sure that's a thing). Another part of me, however, couldn't stop getting nervous whenever I saw the engineer and when we were close I would find myself fighting off the urge to lean in closer or extend a hand to touch her. My sentences became stuttery wrecks and my heart would slam into break-neck pounding at random, and not to mention the fact that jesus CHRIST did that woman look good in a boilersuit.

But I didn't want to go any further than we were already at.

OkAY so sometimes we acted kind of intimate but all friends did that, right? After a bust she'd pick me up in a tight hug and whirl me around but hey, that's adrenaline for you, and sometimes when we hung out with the rest of the 'busters she'd casually slip an arm round my shoulders while she was talking. And occasionally when we hung out alone, (mostly when it was late at night and I was crying to her about something) she'd pull me into a tight hug and we'd just sit there for an hour or so in silence, my head resting on her shoulder, watching the almost hypnotic rise and fall of her breathing until I pulled myself together.

Erin you doofus that's what's commonly known as "support" I reprimanded myself, going over in my head for the millionth time how I didn't want Holtzmann in that way, and that everything was fine as it was, and we had a NICE friendship with NICE times and it was all really very NICE. Besides, Holtz probably had a girlfriend already. So that was that.

I took a deep breath as I paused at her closed door, my fist pausing by the wood before I could knock. I could hear the radio warbling through the wood, though I couldn't tell what was playing, and I could hear the engineer singing sporadically over the music. The smile once again returned to my lips and I knocked on the door, calling to her through it in a light, sing-song, airy tone.

"Hey Holtz? It's Erin! I need your help with something"

There was the sound of something being dropped, and a curse, before I heard the music abruptly cut off and a reply hollered back at me.

"Hey come on in Bertie! Door's unlocked..."

I sighed, rolled my eyes and used my elbow to push down the door handle and enter her lab; I hated it when she called me Bertie.

The blonde engineer was sat slouched on a computer chair, her feet resting on the abominably messy desk in front of her. In one hand she was holding what looked like a super pimped up metal wrench, and the other was lifting a welding mask from her face. She smiled widely as I entered and threw the mask and wrench onto the desk, and dusted her hands off in front of her. She was wearing her customary yellow lensed glasses and around where the glasses shielded her eyes, her face was smeared and coated in a combination of soot and engine grease.

"Evening Erin, what can I do you for at this ungodly hour?" She asked, running a hand through her hair. I laughed nervously under her grin and managed a thin smile back.

"I uh.. It's not that late is it?" I began, but glanced at the numbers on the clock sat above Holtzmann and raised my eyebrows.

10:30pm.

"Yeah okay, uh, scrap that, it is really late" I laughed awkwardly, closing my eyes as I saw Holtz shoot me a quizzical glance.

"I have this blueprint," I quickly continued, trying to shift the topic. "It looks like the weapon's a bit... uhh.." I hesitated, searching for the right words

"Uh... not working. And me and Abby can't work out what the issue is so ummm yeah. Would you be able to take a look for me please?" I winced and feebly gestured to the design in my hand. Holtzmann bit her lip and nodded, taking her feet off the table, adjusting her sitting position and gesturing me over with her hand.

"Sure thing, bring it over here." I breathed a silent sigh of relief and approached her desk, handing the design over to her. She patted a chair next to her with a soot covered hand; an invitation to sit down.

I awkwardly perched myself on the chair as Holtz unrolled the blueprint, suddenly aware of how close to her I was sat. She hunched over the design, using a finger to follow the various labels and components; her brow furrowed.

"Hm" she hummed, scanning the image further. I knew I should have been explaining it in more detail to her, but I was finding myself getting distracted by the look of concentration on her face. There was just something about the way those blue eyes darted around the paper, something about the way she mouthed something to herself, her lips just barely moving as they mimicked the words she was either thinking or reading.

I couldn't keep my eyes off her face as she methodically worked over the design. Every time I tore my eyes away they found themselves back at her mouth and I sighed to myself frustratedly, wishing I wouldn't get myself worked up like this.Eventually Holtz sat back sharply with a raise of her eyebrows

"Aaahh" she murmured quietly, as if some epiphany had just occurred to her.

"I think I see your problem". I almost jumped out of my seat with excitement but tried to play it cool, glancing up at her curiously

"Yeah?" I replied, my voice betraying my nervousness with a slight quiver. I didn't like that Holtz had seen me screw up and I was eager to know just how badly I'd messed up the design. It was almost like the engineer had picked up on that slight waver in confidence as she turned to me and gave me a reassuring smile, placing a hand on my knee.

"It's nothing too major, don't worry. Easy mistake to make." she began, pointing a finger at the power pack of the weapon "It's just that the power; it's built into it, but its gonna get it too warm: the whole thing overheats and so the proton pack blows causing it to go bang". My face echoed the realisation that was slowly dawning on me.

"Kablammo" she added, waving her hands to illustrate her point and I nodded grimly, turning back to the design.

"So, what, you think we should create a separate power pack to sit outside of the weapon?" I asked. Holtzmann grimaced.

"Well that'd be the easiest option, but would leave a tiny nuclear power pack on the outside of a frigging glove, which would mean yet more kablammo and probably a new arm" she paused, a mischievous smile creeping onto her lips

"And as much as you're the bomb Erin I'd rather you weren't on the recieving end of this glove becoming one" Holtz dropped me a wink and a wide grin and I felt my face heat up almost instantly. Thankfully my brain jumpstarted into action to try and play off her compliment with a chilled annoyance.

"Holtz this is serious"

"Awh come on that was a good one."

"Holtz"

"Hey maybe I was being serious about you?"

"Holtzmann"

I was furiously blushing and thankfully the engineer dropped the flirting as she wiped a hand across her forehead, smearing another line of black oil across her face, and licked her lips

"Okay but no, I recommend making a hydrogen fuelled fan that links to the power pack, thereby cooling it down. We can put a vent in the glove so it can self regulate the temperature". I paused for a second and glanced at the design again

"where'd we put the thermistor?" I asked nervously, my eyes risking glances at her face. Jesus Christ we were close. A couple of inches forward and I would be brushing against her neck and-

Not now Erin I thought to myself angrily, clenching my jaw. Holtzmann puffed her cheeks out, her eyes following the design.

"Uuuuuh, I'd say pop it where the power pack is and then it knows the actual temperature" she said, pointing to the power pack. I nodded "yeah, okay".

"As I say" she continued, turning to face me "it ain't a problem and it's an easy mistake to make." I flushed a little under her gaze and dropped my eyes to the floor

"You don't have to be nice" I mumbled "I know you would never have made that dumb kind of error" I was cursing myself internally for making such a stupid mistake with the design, staring intently as I played with my hands to distract Holtz from my clear annoyance.

"Hey" Holtzmann said softly, placing a hand over both of mine to stop me fidgeting.

"Anyone can make mistakes Erin, c'mon now, you beat yourself up too much."

I snorted and shifted my gaze away from her again, trying to hide the fact that I was slowly losing my composure over how close we were.

"Erin..." she muttered sternly, moving her hand from mine and hesitating for a fraction of a second before placing it on my chin, one thumb extending up past my mouth, and gently tilting my face round so I couldn't help but look directly at her. I swallowed nervously and forced myself to look her in the eye, but couldn't prevent myself from darting a glance down to her parted mouth.

"You put too much pressure on yourself erin, you... ah..." and then the blonde trailed off, her eyes searching my face rapidly.

We were so fucking close. I could see the freckles underneath her sooty face and the very slight film of sweat beading on her forehead and her chin. Were we about to kiss? I saw Holtz edge forwards a millimetre and withdraw. She wasn't sure.

I wasn't sure.

We were best friends. Best friends didn't do THIS. No amount of bullshittery could convince me of that now. Did I want to kiss her?

Yes.

Wait. No.

This was too much confusion and I didn't have long enough to think everything through because Holtzmann was gently closing her eyes and tilting her head and moving towards me, lips parted.

This was going to fuck up our friendship for sure. I wasn't even sure if I wanted Holtz in that way. Did she even want me in that way or was this just some dumb experiment?

There was too much doubt in my mind and so before I could fully take stock of what I was doing, I pulled myself away from Holtzmann's grip. Her eyes opened and for half a second shot me a look of total despair before she dropped her hand from my face and let it hang uselessly to her side before wheeling chair back from me a bit.

"Holtzmann I'm sorry I uh... I'm" I stuttered, guiltily scrabbling for the right words. She shook her head

"Erin it's fine, it should be me apologising I uh... I don't know what I was thinking" she gave a small, forced laugh and stared intently at the ground.

"It's not you though" I gushed "I'm just confused; I don't know if I could kiss a girl or..." I trailed off and sighed deeply

"Look, maybe I should head off home?" I offered, and the engineer nodded.

"Yeah, okay" she said. I nodded, trying to reassure myself that I'd done the right thing, and began rolling up the blueprint.

"Thanks so much for your help tonight though" I added sympathetically "this glove would've been screwed without you". She gave me a small smile and nodded.

"No worries man, anytime."

I finished packing up my stuff and turned to Holtzmann before leaving her lab.

"Uh.. have a lovely evening... well... night really" I called and gave her a wave. Before I could hear or see her reply, I turned on my heel and walked out of the room.

Despite the fact that I'd been well within my rights to do that, part of me couldn't help feeling that I'd majorly messed up.

That night I didn't sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

When I came into work the next day, Holtz seemed in a surprisingly good mood.

I don't know why it surprised me; she was tough and bounced back from stuff better than anyone else I knew, so why would I be the exception to her rule?

I was running on about 45 minutes of fitful sleep but set myself to work on the new hydrogen fan for my glove, hoping to distract myself from all of my thoughts of the blonde engineer. Abby was over the moon to hear Holtzmann had solved the teething issues with the weapon, but I wasn't really in the mood for celebrating so convinced her that I would be better off working on the glove alone (which was a bare faced lie, considering that I could barely keep my eyes open, let alone operate dangerous, high tech machinery) and began half heartedly putting things together.

I wasn't sure why I was feeling like this now I pondered, pulling out a tangled knot of wires from under my desk.

I hadn't wanted to kiss Holtzmann and so I hadn't, which was totally okay, apart from the fact that I now regretted that decision more than anything else. Holtz hadn't made me feel guilty for her, I was just suddenly aware of how much I wanted her now I'd turned her down and she'd taken it so well.

It was simple and petty jealousy, in that I wanted what I couldn't have, though it wasn't like I could turn around and ask Holtzmann to kiss me now, could I.

Could I?

I told myself to let it go and focus on the parts for the glove. I could always go talk things out with Holtz later should I want to, and besides, I doubted she was thinking this all through as much as I was; she'd probably just wanted to try something between us in the heat of the moment. It's just a shame that I hadn't at the time, but now, I wanted to dive back into the heat of the moment face-first.

I wasn't doing a very good job of "letting it go" I noted, as I clocked the fact that I'd been distractedly trying to screw together the same two bits of metal for the last fifteen minutes.This time when I told myself to let it go, I actually went back to work on the glove.

I had pretty much gotten my head together by around 3pm. I'd pushed the thoughts of Holtzmann to the back of my mind and was steadily pulling together the parts for this proton glove (despite accidentally soldering my finger multiple times due to poor judgement caused by lack of sleep). Abby and Patty had gone to investigate the site of a potential minor haunting, and Holtz had dashed off at around two, explaining she was supposed to be meeting a friend in town, which left me at HQ alone, save for Kevin, although Kevin was never really much company. The peace and quiet was nice, I couldn't deny and I thankfully found myself distracted from all my thoughts by the taxing task of putting together the circuit board. My hands weren't steady enough for the soldering and I partially envied Holtz in that sense. Her fingers were slim and nimble and agile and dexterous and would deftly scoot around anything she was working on at a great, yet precise, speed.

Wonder what else that'd make them good for huh, erin? I thought to myself and began to blush, and as if on cue my thoughts were cut off by the door to the lab being flung open by none other than Doctor Jillian Holtzmann.

"Hey Erin!" She called, making her way toward me. I smiled thinly and waved to her, removing the goggles from my face. I caught a movement behind her and curiously glanced over her shoulder to see a short brunette girl glancing around the lab in amazement.

O-kayyy then.

"Sup Holtzy" I laughed, a little on edge "whose the guest?"

She moved aside to let the girl stand next to her before cracking me a wide grin

"Yeah, uh Erin this is Lydia, Lydia this is Erin- the smart one I was talking about" she threw me a wink at that and I swear I felt an ovary explode. She turned to me and pantomime whispered in my direction "Lyd's my date tonight; don't tell her but I think she's real cute"

Lyd laughed.

I choked.

Did I just mishear that?

Was I going insane? I had to be. Too many metal fumes perhaps? Sleep deprivation? Any of the above would have been nice. Maybe even all of them. Sadly I didn't mishear after all and Holtz was stood staring expectantly at me.

This was a joke, right? Last night we nearly kissed. I was mad for the engineer, and the second I realise this, she rolls up with a god damn date?? All my fears were slowly being confirmed right in front of me. This girl was way more attractive than me and by the looks of things had a social life busier than my entire calendar from the last 12 years.

Well then Gilbert, looks like it's game over.

Holtz was still eyeing me up expectantly and I coughed nervously, trying to stop a blush emerging.

"Oh! Uh yeah, awesome yeah... she is uh, yeah. Pretty cute?" I feebly offered, running a hand up my neck. This was not going well. I was struggling to get my head around what was going on. Holtzmann was messing with my feelings, although maybe inadvertently, and I wasn't quite sure what she wanted me to say. The brunette behind her peered at me quizzically and the engineer placed a hand gently on her arm to reassure her. I clenched my jaw.

"Don't mind Erin, she's kind of an awkward wreck."

Ouch.

I half-laughed off the comment but continued to stare down this new girl.

Holtz gently slid an arm round her waist and leaned into her ear, murmuring quietly

"So where dya wanna go tonight babe?" I forced myself to turn away, squeezing my eyes shut to block out the image. I wanted o say I was disgusted but dear God I wished that girl was me. I couldn't tell if Holtzmann was trying to purposely rile me up but this seemed so unlike her normally. Christ I really sucked at letting things go. I was vaguely aware of Lyd replying to Holtzmann, and I heard her laugh, embarrassed, in response but I couldn't make out any distinguishable words. My head was throbbing and it was like some kind of anger was boiling up inside of me.

Erin, this is called JEALOUSY.

Thankfully Holtzmann steered the girl away and towards her lab and I made the executive decision to not think about what they might be doing there, as I began soldering again.

"Hope you enjoy your fucking date" I grumbled under my breath, trying desperately to line up the microchip with my circuit board.

I felt a bit bad for getting so jealous like this, after all, I'd chosen not to kiss her so the engineer had every right to go out and find somebody else. I just couldn't believe how quick she'd moved on. With an exasperated sigh I threw the circuit board onto the desk and slammed down the soldering iron, slumping down into my chair, squeezing my eyes shut and furrowing my brow in an attempt to keep myself together.

This is a load of crap Erin. You just need to go to some bar or something and meet a nice guy and then all this will be forgotten. You're just lonely and hormonal and a night with any guy will make sure that all this is forgotten.

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, climbing up from my seat.

I was right.

I had to take my mind off Holtzmann.

I planned on escaping the confines of my cramped lab to a bar seeing as it was near dinner time, and my general plan was to find a nice guy and talk to him.

Or just sleep with him.

At this point I didn't really care so long as it distracted me from Holtzmann, and so I pulled my trench coat on, slid my phone into my pocket and left the lab, switching the lights off behind me. I was so busy trying to flatten my messy hair as I entered the main room in the HQ, that I nearly walked into Holtz and Lyd, who seemed to have made their way out of Holtz's lab and were now pressed up against the door leading to reception, and attaching each other's faces together.

Perfect timing.

I struggled against the urge to scream, cry or perhaps snap my own neck and instead just cleared my throat, shooting a glare at Holtzmann as she glanced up and flushed a deep crimson.

"Oh... I uh.. sorry Erin... ahaha" she laughed weakly and moved herself and Lyd out of the way of the door.

I stood there for half a second, trying to shake the image of Holtzmann passionately kissing the other woman out of my mind, but my brain was transfixed. The way her tongue had brushed the girl's lips, the way her jaw tensed as she moved, the way her nimble hands cupped the side of the girl's face and slid up into her hair. The thought of her hips pressed against mine. It was all too much to bare and my brain was screaming at me that I wished I was that girl. Was I about to cry??

Dear god I better not be.

Tears or not, something had snapped within me. Holtzmann had never felt the same way as I did. I'd just been some little experiment for her. Some new scientific gadget to toy around with, whilst she was bored, and once she was done it got an upgrade. She didn't care how I felt out of all of this, and if she was trying to prove a point then two could play at that game.

I shot holtz a sweet smile and marched past her, purposely letting my shoulder knock into her as I went through the door she was holding open. I was barely thinking as I strolled into reception, my brain boiling over with anger and hurt and betrayal and swelling up with emotion. It was like my body was on autopilot and I felt lightheaded and distant from myself as my legs carried me through reception. Holtzmann, clearly rattled by my sharp reaction to her previous words, was peering nervously around the door, obviously expecting me to storm out, but I didn't leave. Instead I made my way over to Kevin, who was stood trying to straighten a framed photo on the wall, but was clearly having some issues considering he'd superglued it to the wall instead of using a nail.

Jesus christ that guy was dumb.

"Hey Kevin!" I called, my voice surprising even me in its confidence, and he immediately turned around to face me

"Whassa boss how can I-?" He grunted, and before he had time to say something truly stupid, I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him down into a kiss.

Back when I'd first joined the Ghostbusters, I would only dream of kissing the receptionist. He was literally more of a painting than a person, but the novelty soon wore off when I realised how much of an idiot he was. It didn't stop me from imagining what it would feel like to kiss him though.

When it came down to it though, I didn't really feel... anything. I wasn't turned on or excited or anything really. It was just kind of... happening. He was surprised at first but quickly eased into the kiss, retaliating against my movements with a little pressure. I was suddenly aware that Holtz was seeing all of this and inadvertently my mind wandered to her, and before I knew what was going on, in my head I was making out with her.

It was her soft lips I was pressing against; not Kevin's rough, firm mouth. I was moving my hands up her skinny waist instead of over Kevin's shirt. I was pressing my nose against her face and her hair was falling into my eyes and not the mousy hair of the receptionist. I was licking at her lips and biting at them, my hands sliding up to her face and-

It all felt a bit too real and I forced myself away from Kevin with a sigh before I could fool my brain any further. I cleared my throat and gave him an awkward pat on the shoulder

"Yeah, so, um... have a nice evening" I muttered lightly, and turned on my heel, leaving him stood stunned and confused. As I made my way out of the reception I risked a glance back at Holtzmann. It wasn't a long glance but her face said enough.

She was furious.

Or sad.

Or neither, or both or a combination of every emotion that's been and gone.

And only then did the weight of what I'd done hit me. I'd sank to her level, if not worse. I'd just kissed Kevin for no reason which would have fucked with him big time, and I'd done that in front of Holtzmann for no reason other than trying to prove a point (but I didn't know what point exactly) which would have fucked with her big time. Not to mention the fact that I'd just imagined I was kissing someone else whilst making out with Kevin. What kind of a twat even does that?

Jesus christ Erin you've really fucked it all now.

As the feeling of guilt plunged into my stomach like a lead weight through water, I ran down the stairs and out of HQ into the street below.

I had messed this up.


	3. Chapter 3

I was bored.

Bored and bitter was the general consensus, and I was sat on the worn leather couch at the Ghostbusters headquarters fiddling with a half-finished piece of equipment Holtzmann had left strewn around absentmindedly, my clumsy grip working its way around the metal and tugging on bolts that were too tightly screwed on to move. The radio let out a dull warble from Kevin's desk that assaulted my ears with a tinny ricochet and it took all of my strength not to make my way over to it and throw it out of the window. Abby and Patty were sat reading and drinking coffee at one of the booths, an open box of krispy kreme donuts between the two of them. I'd been offered one but I wasn't feeling hungry and so the box was still half full. Holtzmann was at her desk, messing around with yet more weaponry and every now and then I'd hear a clattering noise or a curse as she battled with whatever contraption she was screwing around with. I inhaled deeply as she dropped something heavy with a metallic clunk, and yelled "SON OF A BITCH" to nobody in particular.

I tried to ignore her exclamation and instead stared intently at the cold coffee sat in front of me. Ever since I'd kissed Kevin I had felt like this; inexplicably stale and constantly on the edge of snapping and I didn't know why. Or at least I told myself I didn't know why. This night though, was worse than the others, and I needed to get out of here- out of this building and doing something before my resolve cracked.

Ultimately I wanted to get my head straight. Things had been... weird between me and the quirky, blonde engineer recently. I mean, things were always weird when it came to Holtzmann but something felt extra off-kilter when we'd spoken and it'd started since that time we'd almost kissed. But she hadn't really wanted that kiss and I knew it. Kissing Kevin had been a definite mistake on my part I reflected, my fingers running over the rough metal in my hands. I had just been jealous of the girl Holtzmann had brought home since that night and annoyed that she didn't feel the same as I did, and I needed some relief. I'd wanted to hurt her. Ultimately I knew that was a pretty despicable thing to do (especially to Kevin) but I couldn't justify any real remorse when I knew Holtzy wasn't jealous despite my actions, I mean, she couldn't be could she? She didn't feel what I was feeling and that was just fine by me.

Except it wasn't really that fine by me at all.

Maybe you didn't want to make her jealous? I tried to reason with myself. I almost laughed; I even tried to bullshit MYSELF in this life. Whether I'd wanted jealousy from Holtzmann or not was irrelevant; ultimately I'd been looking for some kind of a reaction from her.

And if I'd wanted some kind of a reaction then I'd certainly gotten that I reminded myself, my hands carefully placing down the metal contraption on the desk as I clenched my jaw.

Holtzmann hadn't spoken to me for two days now. She was acting distant and cold and didn't care if I made an effort to talk to her. It was like our friendship had never existed.

No more late night hugs.

No more help with my work.

No more almost kisses.

No more niceties.

I furrowed my brow as I swilled the remains of my coffee in its mug. This was all so dumb. I had Kevin and Holtzmann was clearly just focussed on her work so what was the issue? I should be happy. But still this internal conflict remained and I didn't even know what it was over and I was just constantly strung out and confused and for what exactly?

I really need to get out of here.

"Yo Abby" Holtzmann called. My chest began to thud and I gripped the mug tighter, feeling anger boiling in my gut at how easily I was set on edge by that damn low voice.

"Mhm" Abby replied absentmindedly as she peered over her book.

"Would you be able to help me with this RF Amplifier? I'm not sure I wired it up right."

My eyes narrowed and I pursed my lips, my head slightly turning so I could see Holtzmann from the corner of my eye.

What the hell? I literally invented the RF amplifier, Abby doesn't know anything about that thin-

"Uh... isn't that more Erin's field of expertise?" Abby replied uncertainly. Holtz looked me dead in the eye and casually shot a reply back at Abby

"Yeah okay, no worries, I'll just do it myself".

I turned my back on Holtzmann, my teeth clenched. I was seething.

What the hell was she hoping to achieve by being like this? She'd been on a date with another girl since the night in her lab and she clearly wasn't attracted to me, so what was this really about? She was simply playing games and I was confused enough as it was. I noticed my hands were shaking and withdrew them from the mug, balling them into fists by my sides instead. I closed my eyes and grounded myself, taking a deep breath and reminding myself to keep calm.

I hadn't slept in days.

Just when I had myself under control, Holtzmann's sultry voice piped up again.

"I mean, I'd ask Erin but she's probably gonna be too busy with Kevin".

And that was it. I was done. It was like a veil of white noise had descended into my mind and my face a mask of calm fury, I stood up and hurled the coffee cup at the far wall, numbly watching it shatter into thousands of fragments and spray coffee up the clean surface. Abby and Patty both jumped up, cursing and swearing at me but I kept my eyes locked on Holtzmann, her expression one of immediate guilt and regret. As I strolled out of the room she called after me; her voice strained and slightly pleading.

"ERIN WAIT I- I I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN-"

I was having none of that.

"FUCK you Holtzmann" I spat, and ran down the stairs and out of the building.

My first few thoughts as I marched down the empty street were that

1) It was raining

2) I had no umbrella

3) It was going to be dark soon

I didn't know exactly where I was headed to to begin with and I was getting cold and wet at an alarming rate, but it wasn't long before I found myself at the local 7 eleven, and I exited the store with my arms full of an array of 'cheap n nasty' alcohol.

Holtzmann was fucking with me and it wasn't fair. A few days ago I thought I wasn't into girls, and now I was caught up in a full-blown rage-fuelled love match with my best friend, and I was the one crawling after her.

It just wasn't fair.

I was at the stage where I didn't even care that I probably looked absolutely deranged; a lonesome brunette with her hair badly tied in a messy bun and sweats and a hoodie on lugging armfuls of booze down a city street in the rain. That was me now. I was adopting a new life as a no longer "lady-like" street hermit and Holtzmann could go fuck herself.

I felt a small pang of guilt as I thought that about the engineer; part of me still clutching onto this ideal, perfect human being, but I quickly reprimanded myself.

This was not the time for regrets.

My main focus was now to find somewhere to get drunk, cry alone, and wallow in self pity in peace, and I knew the perfect place. As I turned off the main road and began heading in the general direction of my new target, I vaguely began to feel myself shiver, and hunched my shoulders against the icy shards of rain that were slamming against my face and body.

It was only about five minutes before I reached the gazebo in the park nearby, but by the time I'd made it, my hands and face were numb. The park itself was more of a dingy few metres of dead grass with a wooden, sheltered gazebo whacked in the middle for added "aesthetic". Nobody ever really came here unless they wanted to get stoned or out of the rain, but me and Holtzmann had spent a few afternoons in the summer sat in here screwing about; I could still see the burn mark on the wooden floor from where she'd accidentally set off a new weapon the last time we'd been here, and I sighed deeply, setting down the bottles of alcohol.

Everything reminds me of her I pondered as I unscrewed the top to a bottle of vodka with shaking hands. And, I continued as I pressed the bottle to my lips

Everything that reminds me of her hurts.

So I'm fucked.

The alcohol hit my stomach like fire and I choked as it burnt my throat, an arm pressed to my mouth. I could hear the rain outside and was still shivering and damp, but the vodka seemed to have a warming effect, so I quickly downed some more, squeezing my eyes shut against the manufactured taste.

I was used to getting guys whenever I wanted. More vodka. And guys were great; I could definitely date guys. More vodka. But... none of them got me as...

...as fucked up as Doctor Jillian Holtzmann did.

A lot more vodka.

And I knew the second our faces were millimetres apart that I wanted her more than any other guy. Everything about her was a puzzle to me. This enigma, this mystery that got me so confused and so curious and emotional and angry, and happy and ultimately just a mess. This enigma, I couldn't have, and that made me want her even more.

Jesus fuck was I dizzy.

Holtz probably didn't even care about what she said. She just wanted to get at me for whatever reason. I furrowed my brow and downed the last of the vodka, cringing against the bitter taste.

Why WAS she fucking with me? I thought, my brain immediately jumping to anger under the heat of the alcohol. Couldn't she see she was tearing me apart?

With a heavy sigh I pulled myself to my feet and gripped the side of the wooden gazebo to support myself so I could stare out into the near darkness. Maybe I'd been down there longer than I'd thought. It was still raining and I could just barely see the haze of a streetlamp through the heavy curtain of water slamming down.

Or maybe that was just the alcohol.

With a roar I pulled my arm back and launched the empty bottle onto the grass, watching it bounce a few metres and send up a fine spray of water from the grass before being lost in the rainy mist.

I squeezed my eyes shut and sank back to the floor again, reaching for some more alcohol.

I wasn't done here.


	4. Chapter 4

I had never been good at taking alcohol. I hadn't been to enough parties in my lifetime and so I had to deal with my older life's drinking experiences as a lightweight. As a result I got half way through my third bottle (this time it was malibu) before calling it quits; my head throbbing and vision blurred.

Using the side of the gazebo, I unsteadily pulled myself up and squeezed my eyes shut against the nauseous feeling churning my stomach. This had been a terrible idea. I groped around in my pocket for my phone and clicked it on, illuminating the iridescent screen and squinting at the fuzzy numbers depicting the time.

11:30pm. I'd been out here for way longer than I'd thought.

It was still raining and a sheet of ice cold water slapped into my face as I exited the shelter, leaving behind the rest of the bottles of alcohol for some other lonely sod to make use of. I was struggling to keep myself walking in a straight line and I was much more thankful when I was off the sludgy grass and under the streetlights so I could see better. I didn't really want to go home but I was starting to show signs of possible hypothermia, so I sighed and began heading in that direction, my whole body shaking and staggering and mildly disorientated.

This isn't fair I thought to myself once again.

Holtzmann got me into this state, she made me go out and get drunk and so now I'm dizzy and sick and cold because of her.

The logic of my drunken stupor was undeniably faultable but it drove me homeward regardless and so I let it carry me on.

I bet she doesn't even regret what she said. Fucking look at you Erin. You drove her away and now you want to come crawling back, drunk and in the rain whilst she's probably with that girl again. I bet she's kissing Holtzmann. Imagine you're her, kissing Holtzmann. Imagine the feeling of her lips and the taste of her tongue and the way she'd press her mouth to your neck. Imagine the moment the engineer would slip her shaking hands down the waistband of your-

That girl she's with is everything you want to be.

For some reason the thought of this sent me into a spiralling rage, and before I knew what I was doing, I was turning off down a different road.

I wasn't letting Holtz get away with this.

She couldn't just fuck me over.

We were going to have a little talk.

Holtzmann's apartment was actually only a five or ten minute walk from where I was, but I was so drunk that it took me 20 minutes in which I got lost three times and nearly threw up once to actually reach there. Once I'd made it to the block of flats it only took me two failed attempts to find the correct apartment because I kept on reading the numbers wrong.

I leant one wrist against Holtz's wooden door frame to keep myself upright and rapped heavily on the door with my other, waiting patiently for her to answer. She opened the door surprisingly quick considering it was gone midnight, and I quickly noted the half drunk beer in her hand and that she was still fully clothed in a muscle tank ironically printed with the words Heart Ache and a set of low-slung yoga pants. Her face was one of surprise as she clocked my soaking wet, sagging form outside her door.

"Oh Erin! Shit you're soaking; you must be freezing and..." she trailed off, her face becoming more confused "hang on what are you doing here?"

This was it. My chance to drag her down, to tell her how I felt and explain what she'd done to me.

"I uh... I came here to see how things were going for you" I managed, my voice only barely slurred. Nice going Gilbert.

"Oh" she replied bluntly. "At twelve am?"

I winced slightly.

"Yeah okay that's a bit of a lie" I admitted with a dismissive wave of my hand

"I wanted to say sorry for earlier when I threw the coffee n all that" I said in a slightly embarrassed tone, refusing to make eye contact with the blonde as my cheeks flushed. I was really screwing this up. Holtz ignored my comment and furrowed her brow, sighing a little

"Erin have you been drinking?" I looked at her incredulously

"What, no?"

A pause

"Yeah I'm very fucking drunk"

Holtzmann looked weary and she sighed louder this time, stepping back into the threshold of her apartment.

"Erin go home and get some rest, you need to just warm yourself up and go to sleep. Maybe take some aspirin" she added thoughtfully with a shrug. I didn't reply; I couldn't believe she was blowing me off like this.

"Goodnight Erin" the engineer began closing the door and a sudden stab of annoyance plucked at my stomach. You aren't getting away this time Holtz. I quickly grabbed her wrist and moved forwards, blocking the path of the door.

"Wait no!" I called, my voice strained "Holtz we need to talk; things aren't..." I trailed off, peering closer at her face and noticing the red tinge to her eyes, and my grip relaxed.

"Hang on, have you been crying?" I muttered quietly. Her face flushed red. I'd caught her off guard, and she wrestled her arm free of my grasp, pulling it close to her chest.

"Erin you should really go. Go call Kevin and get him to pick you up or something. He's probably worrying about you." she muttered, a touch of bitterness ebbing at her voice. I snorted.

"Who gives a fuck about Kevin?"

Holtzmann's cold, blue eyes fixed on me with a look of pure disapproval, and she clenched her jaw. I was ashamed to admit that in the second she looked angry I was hopelessly turned on.

"Apparently you do Erin, since you went off and kissed him" she pointed out. That hurt. It was a low blow but a true one and I stepped back from her marginally, the alcohol causing me to stagger.

"Jesus christ Holtzmann" I managed to stutter, trying to stop the burning sensation in my throat from developing into tears. She wasn't going to win this fight.

"Just go home Erin." She replied and this time her voice just sounded sad. Maybe she was going to win this fight after all. The door began to close for the second time this evening and a sense of panic set in. It was now or never, all or nothing. Normally I would've backed down by now but my brain was warped by alcohol and it drove me to some strange new type of confidence and as the door swung to close I took a deep breath and piped up, my voice coming across stronger than I'd been expected.

"If you didn't want me you could've just said Holtzmann."

My chest was thudding with pure panic but the door stopped mid arc and cracked open a few more millimetres. A pair of ice blue eyes stared back at me through the gap.

It'd worked.

"You think this is about me not WANTING you??" Holtzmann replied incredulously, swinging the door wide open again

"You went out and got fucking bevved just because I didn't want you?"

I chewed on my lip, my eyes narrowing. Admittedly it sounded a bit stupid. I didn't care about sounding stupid anymore though. This was my chance to take back my dignity and I was going to get it or die trying.

"The other night you nearly kissed me" I continued, bulldozing ahead.

"We nearly kissed and I've NEVER wanted anything more," my voice was raised and Holtzmann flinched as I gestured angrily towards her with my hand.

"I was confused and so I didn't commit to it, fine, okay whatever, it was a dumb move on my part but you didn't have to go out with some girl the very next day to prove a point". Holtzmann frowned angrily as I realised the hypocrisy of my statement.

"Erin you literally kissed Kevin to get back at me; you're in no place to call me out on that". Her voice was high, tired, strained. That strong resolve she built herself on was fading rapidly.

I was barely even aware of what she was saying, what I was saying. Words were just tumbling out of my mouth in rapid succession.

"Holtz I kissed Kevin because of you! I kissed him to hurt you because I'm a cunt, and the whole time all I could think of was you BECAUSE I'M A CUNT. I Everything I do is inadvertently for you! I never even thought I fucking liked girls but JESUS FUCK JILLIAN I. AM. IN. LOVE. WITH YOU. DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT THIS IS FOR ME? I LOVE YOU AND ALL YOU DO IN RETURN IS HURT ME AND I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT"

At this point one of Holtz's neighbours appeared from their apartment in their dressing gown and shot the blonde engineer a furious stare. She was already red in the face but blushed harder and gave them an apologetic wince and started to try and quieten me as they returned to their apartment. I was breathing heavily and red in the face, tears leaking from my eyes.

I felt a strong arm wrap around my waist and another hand press between my shoulderblades as Holtzmann pulled me into a hug and tried to shush me; whispering small nothings into my ear and for a minute I bought it; buried my face in her neck and breathed her in and shut up completely. The feeling of her breath brushing the side of my face and the engine smoke smell of her was pushing me closer to the edge of insanity and one of my hands snaked up to her blonde hair as I tried to pull myself together.

Dear god did I want this woman.

Then I remembered why I was here and that I was supposed to be angry and once again I was riled up. No, she wasn't going to control me like this. I angrily pushed myself away from her, shaking my head, tears streaming down my face and my lips trembling.

"No holtzmann you are NOT just shutting me up like this" I hissed. She didn't reply.

"Do you even feel anything?" I begged, so sick of opening up to her and not getting any response, positive or negative. I think that was the comment that broke her and I saw her eyes roll up to the ceiling and rapidly blink away tears as she held me at arm's length.

"Erin please..." she choked.

"No" I said angrily, shaking my head. The alcohol was boiling in my veins along with my anger and it was only a matter of time before I exploded completely.

"No holtzmann, I've told you everything tonight, I fucking bared my emotions for you and all you do is try and shut me up. Do you even feel anything huh? Is there any sort of compassion inside you?" I snarled, pushing her away from me. She closed her eyes briefly and took a breath, steeling herself.

"Erin how can you even say that?" She mumbled thinly and I could tell she was running out of things to say.

"I... can't you see.." she began and trailed off, her voice cracking under the pressure of her emotions. And then she pulled herself together somehow- stood herself up straighter and looked me dead in the eyes, her face once again conveying nothing to me.

"You wanna know how I feel?" She muttered angrily. "This is how I feel"

And then she kissed me.

I always imagined that kissing Holtzmann would be rough and scatty; a little like her, but this was far from it. She was nervous, that much was clear, and I could sense her hand hovering near to my face before I actually felt her cold, slender fingers cradling the frame of my jaw. She held me there for a while; her soft lips gently pressed against mine before pulling away, slowly, but I wrapped my arm around her neck and urged her back in, eager to taste her again. I could feel her pulse racing in her neck, and as she broke away for a second time I felt her cool breath across my face. I opened my eyes and saw Holtzmann's heavy lidded expression directed at my mouth, but she quickly darted up to my eyes, sensing I was watching her. I quietly exhaled and released my arms from around her neck, suddenly overwhelmed.

"I uh..." I stuttered, blushing. I noted that the blonde was blushing as well and took a deep breath, trying to get my head around the situation. "What even is this Holtz?" I muttered tiredly, the question coming out more blunt than I'd expected despite the fact that my anger was already dissipating.

She bit her lip and sighed deeply, her eyes wandering erratically around the empty hallway.

"Look Erin I... I'm fucking crazy about you. For months now you were all I thought about and that night we nearly kissed was so built up in my head and then you said you were confused and I assumed you weren't interested. That date with the girl was me trying to rebound or.." she faltered, searching for words, "fuck Erin, I wanted to make you jealous or some bullshit. The date went awful by the way" she added, her face barely masking the clear regret she was feeling. I stayed silent, chewing over her words in my mind.

"A-and then you went off and kissed Kevin and I was wondering if you were trying to rub in that I could never have you and so I got angry and bitter and resorted to trying to rile you today and obviously that worked and I felt so bad, oh god Erin I felt so bad I left work early and I've just been sat in here crying alone. What kinda jerk am I? And I want you Erin. I need you near me but I'm so confused by you... I just gotta know how you feel and then I swear all this bullshit will stop."

She looked me in the eyes and in that second I felt myself melt. She looked so fucking sad and I'd never seen her like that; she was always the fun, bouncy engineer. Always kept her cool and nothing phased her. But now she looked so vulnerable, so small whilst waiting on my answer. This whole situation had been a massive misunderstanding and most of it had been my fault and that made me feel terrible. I could've given her a serious answer, could've given her a carefully constructed and well executed speech that told her exactly how I felt about her, but I knew it wouldn't sum up how I really felt. Words couldn't get across that heavy stuff, and besides; I was pissed out of my mind so speaking was much more effort than it was worth by that point.

So instead of speaking, I quickly moved in close to Holtzmann and kissed her, open mouthed and sloppy. She seemed surprised and at first didn't react much to the kiss but soon began to retaliate, pressing her lips against mine with more reverence and intent behind it than the first kiss, and sliding a slender hand to my jaw. Just the feeling of her hands on my face made my heart race and I eagerly slipped my hands under her muscle tank to rest on her hips, guiding her body with my own movements. I was barely even aware of what I was doing; the alcohol clouding my judgement and the idea of being so close to the blonde sending my brain into overdrive. Just as I pulled away from her mouth, Holtz gripped the lapels of my hoodie and used them to pull me closer to her, the shell of my ear pressed to her lips. She quietly cleared her throat before speaking in a hushed tone, her voice low and undeniably sexy.

"Perhaps we should continue this inside?" She suggested.

I silently nodded, unable to speak, wanting nothing more than to attach my lips to Holtzmann again. Upon seeing my affirmative response she leaned in and kissed me again, pulling me after her into her apartment by the lapels of my hoodie and kicking the door shut behind her.


	5. Chapter 5

Holtzmann's desk at work is messy. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, because mine is just as bad, and I'm partly responsible for the state of my colleague's aforementioned desk. Nevertheless- it's messy. But then engineers tend to be a bit scatty, and Holtzmann is just a naturally disorganised person. Again, not a bad thing because I love her for it. Due to that personality trait however, I was expecting the flat to be messy- just like the desk.

I was pleasantly surprised.

The flat was small but spacious and open plan; a large window let in an eerie blue light from the night sky outside and this was counteracted by a select few lamps around the room which let off a warm, soft glow. The whole place was decorated minimally; all of the walls were white and the carpet pitch black. A small oak table surrounded by black sofas made up some kind of lounge area, and a modern kitchen lay in the corner of the flat, rounded off with a table to eat at. There was a door to another room on the other side of the flat which I assumed was the bedroom. Finally, there was a desk nestled next to the living area covered in paper containing copies of designs, bits of equipment and half a dozen empty coffee cups.

Holtzmann had broken away from the kiss as we'd entered the flat and now she was stood just behind me, a hand pressed lightly on the small of my back. I felt a small puff of cold air graze my neck, alerting me of Holtz's closeness just before she rested her chin on my shoulder, brushing her lips against my exposed neck as she did so. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to pull myself together. I was drunk. I didn't want to be drunk if we were going to fuck. But I wanted to fuck her. Oh jesus christ did I want to fuck her, and that was just part of the attraction I had for Holtzmann. I wasn't usually a sexual person but she made me want to do things that I didn't want to do to anyone else. Was that bad? I didn't know and I didn't have time to figure it out because I was already turning around and attaching my mouth to the woman behind me. Trying to drink her in, to lap her taste up. I cautiously darted a tongue in her mouth and she responded strongly; her own tongue gently searching my mouth. The blonde withdrew for a second to speak and her voice was breathless.

"You... you taste like coconut" she mumbled and I snorted, remembering the half drunk bottle of Malibu I'd left at the park.

As the kissing grew more passionate I found myself pushing Holtzmann towards a wall and locking her against it with my hips- using a dominance I myself didn't know existed. She let out a soft sigh as her back hit the wall with a thump and I was taken aback; hardly able to believe that this was really happening. Holtz leant further towards me, both hands either side of my flushed face, and licked a slow, gentle line along the curve of my jaw and I let out a soft moan, my hands inadvertently sliding up the inside her muscle tank to the sides of her ribs where I suddenly became very aware that the engineer wasn't wearing a bra. I was suddenly also very aware that Holtz was a woman. I was making out with a girl. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with girls. Oh wellI thought to myself.It's a bit late to be worrying about this now. My hands deftly slid up the sides of her breasts, taking in the smooth curve of her skin until they came to rest around her shoulders and I slowly pulled my face away from the engineer's mouth and ducked my head to brush my lips against her pale, slender neck. Holtzmann squirmed with pleasure and let out a small groan, tilting her head back to leave her neck exposed for me. Her breathing was suddenly ragged and a little shaky, and her teeth were gritted to stop her from crying out. I smiled, revelling in finally seeing her so helplessly turned on.

I went for Holtzmann's neck, slowly licking at the soft flesh. She writhed against me as I kissed her pale throat, her hands tracking up the front of my body until they found the neck of my hoodie, which she grasped onto with her slender fingers and used to pull me closer. She slid her hands round my back and pulled my face up from her neck, and locked her lips onto the corner of my jaw again. My breathing was becoming like Holtzmann's- ragged and shallow- as she licked at my jaw bone, and bit down, hard. I exhaled shakily, struggling to contain my arousal, and grasped at the back of her shirt. Holtzmann pulled away and I breathed deeply, desperately trying to regain my composure, but she deftly slipped a hand up to my hair and tugged it, exposing the bare flesh of my throat. She began kissing a mark onto my neck, tongue licking and teeth scraping and my hands gripped her hair tightly as I let out an inadvertent low moan. One of Holtz's knees slipped between my legs and pushed upwards, and she moved her face away from my throat as I ground down on her leg with my pelvis.

My chest was thudding and my blood was coursing with adrenaline. This was really happening. I took a moment to gather myself, glancing into those familiar blue eyes, noting how they suddenly seemed strangely alien to me. My own pupils were darting over her features; searching her face and lingering on the freckles dotted on the bridge of her nose and finally resting on her warm, inviting mouth.

"Holtzmann I..." I began but trailed off, feeling my face flush as I realised what I wanted to say and noticing my speech was still a little slurred. She looked at me curiously, patiently waiting for me to continue, her arms wrapped around my waist. I leaned in and mumbled into her ear in an almost whisper; scared she'd react badly.

"I want to fuck you Holtzmann" I finally managed to croak out.

I carefully withdrew from her ear and watched her seize up and swallow nervously. Either she was scared out of her mind or desperately aroused and I prayed it was the latter. Carefully she let a hand slip from my waist and intertwined it with my own before replying.

"Come with me"

And with that she wriggled free of my hips, and still holding my hand led me to the sofa where she sat down and waited for me to join her before leaning in and kissing me once again.

This time it was clear that the intent behind the kissing was different. It was harder and messier and Holtzmann ended up on top of me, her legs straddling my hips as she kissed my neck and throat and collar bone and I tangled my hands in her hair as I writhed in pleasure under her grip. Eventually I slid my hands under her muscle tank and slipped it over her chest, and the engineer obligingly lifted her arms so it could be removed. I did the same for her and I was immediately self concious of the grey, laced bra I was wearing, but Holtzmann didn't seem to care, even if I did, and she lowered her face and set to work kissing the tops of my breasts. My legs wrapped around her waist and my hands skimmed her arms as they searched for a grip on her back. I let out a whimper against her shoulder as she fumbled with the straps of my bra, eventually undoing the clasp and pulling it off and allowing it to fall to the floor.

If she thought I was inexperienced she didn't let it show and to be honest, I was more than happy letting the blonde do most of the work. She clearly knew what she was doing and as her hands skimmed circles around my breasts, I felt the burning arousal at my core churn even harder. I needed some relief I realised, my brain struggling to think past the numbing throb where I yearned for her touch most. I let out a breathy moan as a shiver shot down my spine at the feeling of Holtz's hands against my skin and pressed my lips to her neck once again. How could someone do this just from boob touching??? I thought to myself. I had a lot to learn about the female body clearly.

I'd began thrusting against Holtzmann's body as she toyed with mine, my hips grinding my pelvis against her leg as I desperately tried to get some relief from my aching body. I was desperate for her at this point; months worth of sexual tension culminating in this moment. It'd really been too long a time coming. The engineer could clearly sense my desperation growing, as she began kissing a line from my chest, down my stomach, to the base of my sweatpants. As she reached my stomach, I allowed my hands to slide into her hair and she moaned softly, her breath brushing against my skin and causing me to fidget under the pressure of pure arousal. Every touch of her lips against me sent jittering shudders across my body and it felt almost electric; like she was sending charged sparks through me. She glanced up at me from my pelvis, and I could see she was checking I was okay, so gave her a curt nod by means of permission. Gently she slid down my sweats and my tight-fit boxer shorts and I manoeuvred my legs to kick them onto the floor too.

I was now naked on the couch of my best friend.

We were about to have sex.

I couldn't wait.

Sex with guys was always pretty good. I was pretty good at what I did, it felt pretty good, the guys always said it was pretty good. Unfortunately I tended to find it was always over pretty fast. Most of the guys I had been with half arsed foreplay and nobody had ever gone down on me before, so I wasn't totally embarrassed to admit that this situation with Holtz was very much fresh. She definitely knew what she was doing as well. She was almost intuitive in the way she reacted and responded to my body, using her mouth and hands to give me what I seemed to want.

Her tongue was strong, but she varied the pressure she was using on me to leave me yearning for more, and it wasn't long before I was begging her for just that; one hand buried deep in her hair and the other gripping the sofa so hard my knuckles were white.

"Oh fuck yes Holtz..." I mumbled, gently rolling my hips to match the pace of her tongue.

"Mhhhmmmmm" I moaned breathily, my eyes closed blissfully as I took in the sensation of the engineer's strong tongue lapping me up. She was letting out the odd satisfied moan every now and then which admittedly turned me on even more, and I gently bucked my hips as I felt her tongue grinding down on my clitoris. Whilst the pleasure was coursing through me at the engineers hands (or tongue as it were) I was getting slightly concerned that this was all a bit one sided; I wasn't used to this level of sexual attention and I wanted Holtz to be getting something out of this experience as well.

"Uhhh... h-holtz" I stammered through gritted teeth.

"Mmhm?" she mumbled distractedly from my crotch, her head moving slower now as she brought a hand up to rest between my thighs. I was about to speak but Holtzmanns fingers being brought into the equation suddenly left me breathless and my back arched as I let a loud moan roll off my tongue. I fought to regain my breath, quickly using a hand to scoop under the engineer's chin and pull her away from my pelvis to face up at me. She looked at me expectantly, her blue eyes seeming to stare straight through my own.

Remember what you were gonna say Erin?

"Uh if you wanted to... you know" I coughed nervously, blushing through my already flushed face. God, why was I so god damn awkward?

"Like uh... jerk off or something that's um... that's fine" I finally muttered to her, unsure if that was something that even happened in gay sex. Holtz didn't question it, just let a small smile tug at her lips and nodded to me, before resuming the movements with her hand and dropping her mouth back down to my crotch, although I did notice her pushing a hand down her yoga pants.

The thought of her jerking off to me for some reason took things up a notch, and before I knew it, I was muttering words of encouragement to my co-worker breathlessly as I ground down on her hand with my pelvis. She was moaning irregularly as well, though quieter than me, and she was more breathy and airy than I was. The sounds of her gasps and whimpers set me on edge and I clenched my jaw as I felt myself come nearer to climax. Though I knew I was close, there was one thing which I knew would push me over the edge for definite, and as I heard Holtz moan once more I plucked up the courage to pipe up.

I cleared my throat and awkwardly muttered.

"Ungh... uh Holtzmann... Could you uh... could you talk dirty to me?" I requested, trying to hide my embarrassment. Holtzmann didn't seem embarrassed unlike I was, and gave one last bite on my clitoris with a grunt that caused me to cry out, loud, before raising her head, wiping her mouth and making her way up my body so we were face to face. One of her hands remained in my crotch, still working on my vagina whilst the other stayed down her yoga pants. She leaned in close to my ear and whispered in a low, sultry, sexy voice that tickled the side of my face

"Erin, I want you to fucking cum"

God that sounded good.

"You're so wet" she mumbled thickly and abruptly cut off as it seemed she'd reached climax. She squeezed her eyes shut, tilting her head back and biting her lip, her whole body shaking as she released one long, low, drawn out moan.

"God I fucking love you Erin" she blurted, and that did it for me. I pushed into her hand just slightly more, and the picture of her orgasm still fresh in my mind, felt the climax creeping from my spine and throughout my whole body, making me shake and twitch uncontrollably.

"Oh GOD Jillian" I moaned, my hands clawing at her back as I revelled in the high- the final outcome of all of this- and all I could picture were those blue eyes.

Once it was over, I laid there for a few minutes so the both of us could catch our breath. Holtzmann's face looked as flushed as mine probably did, and the panting rise and fall of her chest as she laid against me conveyed that we were equally worn out after that.

"That was... that was amazing" I began breathlessly but was abruptly cut off as Holtzmann gently kissed me, her lips soft and swollen. I could taste myself on her mouth which was something I had to admit I wasn't used to, and eventually broke away, brushing some stray hair from her eyes.

"I love you" I mumbled.

"I love you too." She replied, and I smiled. I wasn't sure if she meant it, but for now it'd have to do.

Once I had regained control of my legs I got Holtz to direct me to the bathroom so I could throw some water over my face and try and sort out my dishevelled state.

"I'll get you some dry clothes whilst you're in there" she offered and I obliged, although mainly just because I wanted to be wearing Jillian's clothing. When I returned, a baggy t-shirt, some slim boxer shorts and an oversized hoodie had been left by the door and I hastily pulled them on, noticing that the shirt was emblazoned with "Mrs Steal Yo Girl". I laughed quietly to myself, because it was so undeniably Holtzmann that it seemed almost unreal.

She jumped into the bathroom after me and I made my way to her bedroom, barely looking around in the darkness before throwing myself onto my side on her bed out of pure exhaustion, and patiently waiting for her to return, my mind still trying to comprehend what had just happened. Had any of that even been real? Two hours ago I'd been alone and drunk and freezing cold in a park and now I was curled up under her duvet in her clothes in her apartment having just had the best sex I'd possibly ever had.

And it had been with her.

I lay there for a while, trying to warm up my bare legs and just breathing in the scent of holtzmann on the bedsheets and on her clothes. Something about her smell was so intoxicating and I gently shut my eyes as I drank it in, remembering her body pressed against mine and almost feeling the ghost of her touch on my skin. It felt so strangely peaceful and I was more than happy to admit that I finally felt content. Tonight had been the result of too much suppressed emotion. Months of confusion, of sleepless nights and anger and hurt and upset. Hugs that lasted too long and handholding that shouldn't go too far. Months of stupidness and game playing. But now me and Holtz knew where we stood and I'd finally been able to show her how I'd felt.

And that left me feeling that all this pain had been worth something.

I didn't hear the bedroom door open behind me, but I did hear the soft creak of floorboards and the padding of bare feet as Holtzmann made her way to the bed.

"Hey" she quietly mumbled, sliding into the covers behind me and after a few seconds of fidgety positioning, she wrapped herself around my body, curving herself around the shape of my butt and slipping her arms around my waist. I let my eyes close and this time really took in the feeling of her body pressed to mine whilst allowing my fingers to intertwine with one of her hands. The warmth of her, the feeling of her skin, the way she gently pressed her lips to the back of my neck and buried her face in my shoulder were all beautiful. She was beautiful. Everything she did, be it her work, or the words she spoke or the simple movements and way she used her body, was beautiful.

"Hey" I finally replied. The blonde scientist couldn't see my face but was immediately onto me. Nothing slipped past that woman dammit.

"What ya thinking about?" She asked, her voice low and quiet.

"You" I replied honestly "I was thinking about how beautiful you are". She didn't reply, but a gentle exhalation of breath against my neck told me she was grinning, and I felt her body press further into mine.

We didn't speak any further that night, and I felt we were both just appreciating the closeness to each other. I mean, sure we'd been close with each other before but never in this way. Never with this kind of sentiment behind it.

For the first time in weeks I slept knowing that things were different. I wasn't alone anymore and neither was Jillian. I guess that figured; creatures like us can't be alone.

I slept peacefully and for the first time in weeks didn't dream about the engineer.

That was just fine by me.


End file.
